2015 was the roughest year I've had in awhile. It hit me super hard because I'm pretty sure this is the first time I wasn't the one who made the mess I was in.
I learned that some people just suck. Some people make up their mind about you before they give you a chance. But then they, inexplicably, let you pour every ounce of yourself into something...making you think you had a chance. And then they crush you.
But--switching careers briefly gave me the motivation I needed to get help and finally fix the fucked up way I've been thinking about myself and the world for 31 years. I still have work to do, but I can handle things I never thought I'd be able to take. I'm realizing everyone has issues, some people relate to me more than I ever thought they would. Which is why I'm pretty open about all this.
I now have the unique opportunity to test my progress. I'm back at the career I had for 7 years before I briefly ventured into the world of making concerts happen. So I can see how I've changed. I'm like Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed. I'm more confident, I am able to discern when a situation calls for panic mode--which is almost never. Usually a sarcastic comment or a Tina Belcher quote will diffuse any perceived tragi-pocalypse. I'm not Josie Grossie anymore!
But that's a whole new level of scary. If I want to get all "man! I feel like a woman" on 2016, I have to step up. Taking away my anxiety means I don't have anything to hide behind. If I want to be the person I've always dreamed of being...I have to be that person. (Whoa)
And honestly, it's being the same person...it just means being OKAY with her. Giving her a break. That small tweak could change everything.
So now I have to find a way to still make concerts happen on my own. I have to pursue my passions. I have to reach out and make friends with new people. I have to keep learning and growing. I have to not be afraid. I have to read a book. I have to listen to more music. I have to write. I have to be sexier. I have to laugh more. I need to stop apologizing. I need to stop being afraid to love deeply. I need to be excited about the things that inspire me.
I have to take all those badass chick rock songs and "screw what you think" metal songs to heart.
I'll do all of that once I finish Gossip Girl on Netflix
Happy freakin' New Year,